I’m really thankful that I got to meet up with Mei today.
I’m gonna be honest, I don’t like to meet up with people when my heart isn’t in the right place. I don’t want people to find out that my faith is so easily shaken. Why would I want to let people know that I’m messed up?
I grew up learning to put a smile on my face all the time, to portray myself as “the good kid” in school and church. I always sought approval from friends, teachers, and leaders at church. This would boost my self-esteem and I’d feel confident about myself. I hate to say this, but it was pretty easy to look good, spiritual, and what not.
But coming into ICA with the whole discipleship thing… this has brought me to a whole new dimension. I feel embarrassed to say this, but I loved the times when I was about to share victorious stories of how God answered prayers, how He helped me overcome sin, etc. Not because I’m giving glory to God, but because I want my discipler to know that I’m enjoying God and I want her to think I’m growing spiritually.
I think it all started in the beginning of junior year when God started convicting me of deeper issues, and He made me (or gave me an opportunity haha) to confess my sins to my discipler. It was the scariest, yet probably the most courageous thing I’ve ever done in my life.
But again, my prideful side was starting to kick in. Also being Asian and not wanting to burden my discipler with even more of my struggles, I was reluctant to share. I didn’t want her to think that I’m a failure as her disciple. But today, God sovereignly allowed us to meet up, and by His grace I was able to be REAL.
How liberating it is to be accepted for who you are, instead of pretending that everything is ok all the time. To know that somebody is COMMITTED to me for my spiritual growth, and that she’s willing to put up with all the mess that’s deeply hidden inside of me!
After I got back home, I read the first couple chapters of 1 Samuel. Here, God calls Samuel by name at night THREE times, but he mistakes God’s voice for Eli’s. Why? “Because the Word of the Lord had not yet been revealed to him.” He was still a little boy who didn’t know how to have a personal relationship with God.
After Eli realizes that it was God calling Samuel, he tells him, “next time He calls you, say, ‘Speak, for Your servant is listening'”. When God called him for the forth time, Samuel was able to discern God’s voice because of Eli.
In the same way, God gives us people who are more mature/experienced to direct us towards Him. Of course, God Himself is the One doing the work of sanctification in our hearts, but this awesome relationship of discipleship is just as important to God!
It took me this long to really comprehend the importance of discipleship and community, but I’m thankful that God and my discipler didn’t give up on me. I’m really excited to see how God is going to draw us closer to Him and to love each other deeply. I want to cherish this God-given relationship, and most of all to see God’s glory revealed through it!
“Not to us, but to Your Name be the glory.”
Amen.
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